.........This has nothing to do with nothing just wanting to rant and get it out of my system before I end up hurting some one with my words... Feeling pathetic and like a utter fool to write this here.. hoping in the back of my mind that anyone gives a shit but they dont really...I just wanna lock myself up into a room, away from the world.. My mood swings have gotten worse..I dont want nothing to do with people..eaven the ones I love... Then when I'm alone I feel lonely like the world is against me and eaven the one I cherise gives a flying fuck if I live or die.....I hate it when I degenorate to this state of mind...I get paranoid..pissed off..and utterly and completely helpless....My nerves are coiled up tight and im afraid they cant take the pressure and will snap..flinging me with them to pain and hurt...I'm making no real sense...If I had the tools and no love to protect I could accomplise some very gruesome acts that'll get me send to jail..... I wouldnt mind...Like I have any real value to anyone.. I'm a good listener, I understand people, social and what not but still...In a crowd I feel the most alone.. Its all a facade to me. Sometimes I can see myself from the side line talking to people.. Its strange.. Like watching a show..... There must be something disconnected in my brain for me to feel this way still...But they say the brain grows eaven after puberty..So maybe in a year or too those dead ends will connect and i'll be okay...Sure hope so... If not....I dont know what i'll do. Cuz eaven now...I'm thinking of all kinds of hurtfull things to say in my mind to the people around me... I dont want them to get angry at me so I just smile... Symphaty's something I've been lacking for a while now...No matter how bad the thing is I still cant feel as sorry as I should..Like..If my mother would die for example..I'd be...Well I wouldnt really care. It scares me sometimes..The sameway my jealousy scares me..I'd be ready to actually kill someone if s/he looked at my loved one in a certain way.... And he says I'm not jealous enough of him...While i'm completely scared i'd follow through some of those thoughts in my mind....Im scared that if I did i'll lose him...But sometime when my moodswings get to the worst they can I think of how it would feel to slap him, pull his hair, strike him, hit him, punch him etc.........I dont want to but that thought rises in my mind now and then...If he'd know what I was thinking he'd leave me...As he'll surely do if he reads this................I'm emotionally so unstable right now... I feel like going on a raging rampage..and then curl up and cry like the pathetic thing I am. Self loath and doubt come first..theb the annoyens. Next is nerveousnes, sadness, I start to ignore and hate people..Dark thoughts follow soon after...Then in a week it'll all wash over me like a wave and I spend most of my time crying...Wanting to die but I'm such a pansy towards pain I cant do any physichal damage...And it'll make my love sad..I dont want to make him sad.....I want to make him happy..But I cant. I just realised how Emo this must sound but its good to get it out off my system........I'll just post this for myself...Atleast here I can write these things i'm feeling.... Thou I have to say this: I'm an idiot for writing this here as anyone can read it...Subconsciously I'm looking for people to understand me, I do know that much... Anyway....Pople who did stay and listen to my ranting...Sorry to take up your time. And maybe...............Thank you for listening.